The Crimson
by Faith Harris
Summary: Xander is bit by an Uber-vamp during the last season of Buffy. Unfortunately, during Willow's dark magic period, she tried to do something to keep the Scoobies safe. Together, these events threaten to drive the Scoobies apart. B/X, S/X eventually, W/K
1. Chapter 1

**Title:**The Crimson

**Author: **Faith Harris

**Rating: **R

**Ship: **Xander/Spike Very slowly paced, Buffy/Spike Angel/Buffy, Faith/Angel One-sided, Willow/Kennedy

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Buffy: the Vampire Slayer, or Angel: the Series.

**Warnings: **Probably Violent, cursing, sexual themes, and a very unfavorable view of Buffy, Robin, and Willow. Which is strange, because I really like Robin and Willow. On the other hand, I hate Kennedy, Andrew, and Dawn, and they come off fairly well, I think.

**Summary: **Xander is bit by an uber-vamp, and it turns out that Willow, during her dark magic phase, attempted to make sure that all the Scoobies would be safe.

**A/N: **This is a fic that I have a lot of work put into, but it's not finished. So for awhile, a long while, actually, I'll be able to post fairly regularly, but recent months have made this pretty slow going.

* * *

**Chapter One: Freakish**

"Is he…okay?"

Willow jumped at the sound of Faith's voice as she entered the kitchen. She hadn't heard the Slayer walk into the room at all. It was silent everywhere now, it seemed. That wasn't a good thing though; it scared her. Silence used to be comforting. After so many years of fighting the creatures of the Hellmouth, silence just meant the calm before the storm- or worse, the eye of the tornado, which is what she was sure she was in now.

She wiped her eyes, sure that they were red and puffy, and shook her head sadly at Faith. While Faith never said anything about it, Willow knew that she cared about Xander. The two had become something like friends, although when exactly, Willow couldn't put her finger on it. Faith, like Willow, was wondering if this was her fault. "He's not _okay_, not really."

Faith sat down on a stool next to Willow. "Fangs is really beating himself up over it. Blames himself."

"He's not the only one," Willow muttered. At Faith's look, Willow sighed. She was going to find out anyway; Faith might as well hear it from her instead of an angry Xander or Buffy. "Aftermath of my addiction. To protect everyone, I cast a sort of soul spell on us…if we were vamped, or something, the spell that was used on Angel would be cast."

Faith looked confused. "Well, that's a good thing, right? We don't have to stake him."

"No," Willow shook her head, "it isn't. I wasn't thinking, and the spell depends on _guilt_. It's a curse. We don't know how he's going to react to it if he hasn't been a demon before it was cast. Especially since he wasn't bitten by a regular vampire." Faith nodded in understanding, and Willow braced herself for the angry scolding that had come when she'd, quite happily, told Giles and the others what she'd done.

"You were actually trying to do something good, trying not be selfish…" Faith said after a moment. "Although I'm sure that Xander'll argue me on that point."

"Meaning?"

She raised an eyebrow at Willow, as if she should already know the answer. "Xander will say that you didn't think about whether or not he wanted to be a vampire." She shrugged, looking past Willow as she mused. "Of course, now he gets to make his own choice as to what he wants to do, for real." She glanced back at Willow. "Most people change their mind real quick when they find out they're going to die. Let him have that chance."

Something about that made Willow shiver, and reminded her of the one thing that she and Faith had in common- a body count. Faith knew from personal experience what people acted like right before they died. "I don't think he'll appreciate that part too much."

Faith patted her shoulder almost comfortingly, and Willow found herself starting to cry again. There was no one else to cry with, really; Kennedy didn't really understand, and everyone else was mad at her, furious even. She couldn't say anything to anyone except Faith or Robin, and she wasn't going to get up and look for pity from the ex-principal. "He'll understand, Will. He's one of those rare guys that actually give a damn about other people. He'll be mad, yeah, but he'll deal."

Willow glanced up at Faith, surprised by the compliment Faith had just given her best friend. The moment was destroyed by the sound of the chains being pulled out downstairs. Willow and Faith both jumped, Faith removing her hand as if she'd been shocked. They looked away from each other.

Faith spoke first. "He's up. You want me to check it out for you? You call the others, tell them he's awake?" Willow nodded, and Faith sighed, standing up. She paused for a moment, and then frowned. "You know, he might not want to see them yet…maybe you could just go upstairs, tell Spike he's up instead?"

"Buffy'll want to know-"

"He might not be _ready_ to see them," Faith repeated, and Willow got the hint. The three of them- Spike, Faith, and Willow- were the only ones who wouldn't stake him right away if the spell hadn't worked. Who would try to find another solution? Giles would do it, seemingly out of pity for Xander's soul, and Buffy was getting consumed by everything that was happening with the First. To Robin, a vampire was a vampire, and the Potentials, even Kennedy…they'd be scared.

Willow nodded. "That's a good idea. I'll, um, go tell Spike." This seemed wrong, this seemed to not make sense. However, with Buffy and the others out patrolling, maybe it was the best way to do things for now.

"That's a good Will," Faith said as she turned back towards the basement and went downstairs.

Willow sat still for a moment, and found herself praying. "Please, Goddess, I know I don't deserve anything from you at this point…but Xander, I think he does. He doesn't deserve _this_, anyway. Please, I beg you…save him."

She took a deep breath before going upstairs to see Spike.

* * *

"Hey, Xand? You down here?"

It seemed like a stupid question, to Faith, but there was nothing else she could say. She couldn't apologize, she couldn't ask how he was feeling…so there wasn't an intelligent opener to whatever this conversation would be about. _How about 'Hey, boytoy, you thinking about biting me? Because if you are, I'm letting you know, that kink's not gonna work for us right now_…Faith snorted at her own cynicism as she reached the bottom of the steps.

"Well, I sure as hell wasn't planning on going anywhere…" Xander grumbled under his breath. He was chained to the wall, where Spike used to be. His blood was still on his t-shirt—the Potentials that had cleaned up his face hadn't wanted to stay close for long enough to remove the shirt, for fear that he'd wake up.

Faith dragged a chair over to Xander, and sat in it, the chair backwards so she could rest her arms on the back of it. She took a good look at Xander. He was a vampire, alright; his skin was pale, and Faith's slayer sense was going off like a siren. She tired to push it to the back of her mind, though. Tried to remember that this was probably still Xander, no matter how dead he was. Even if the power he was sending off—she reminded herself that he'd been bitten by an uber-vamp. That he wasn't going to be an average vampire, even without the soul-spell.

"You know, generally, staring's considered kind of rude," Xander commented, and he looked Faith in the eyes. The color of his eyes freely flowed from dark brown to amber and back again. It was disconcerting. "And if you're wondering whether I'm plotting to break free and murder you all, the answer's no."

"That's good. I'd be kind of pissed about that, boytoy."

"_Was_ kind of wondering why that wasn't the case, though, and why I'm not getting a massive tan down in hell," Xander questioned deliberately. It was clear that he already had a clue what the answer to that question was. Faith wasn't entirely sure she wanted to be the one to inform him of the truth. "You mind filling me in on the past few…how long have I been down here, anyway?"

"Three nights," Faith answered. "Not counting tonight."

Xander nodded to himself as he processed this information. He leaned his head back on the wall and chuckled to himself. "This is screwed up. Severely. And you still haven't answered my question, Faith."

"Will did a protection spell on all of you, made sure you guys wouldn't become demons," Faith explained. "Way back when things were crappy with her. Made sure you'd keep your soul."

Xander made a face at that. He didn't appear to notice it, but his eyes were steadily amber at this point. "That wasn't the most clever thing she's ever done." He pulled at the chain a little. "Hey, you wouldn't happen to have the key to these, would you?" Faith just looked at him blankly. He sighed, letting up on the manacles. "No, I didn't think they'd let you have them. Buffy?"

"Yeah," Faith said. "I _could_ break them--"

Xander didn't look impressed. "Uh, Faith, no you couldn't. Not regular chains, remember? If you could break them, I think I would have worn them down by now, don't you?" Xander had a point, and Faith didn't finish her sentence. "Anyway, broken chains wouldn't be a good sign for Buffy and Giles, right?"

"Never let anyone tell you that you're stupid, Xand," Faith said.

"They usually don't do it to my face," Xander replied. "Worthless is usually the favorite choice of phrase when people are telling me stuff. Or in the way." This was said without bitterness, quite matter-of-factly, and Xander's eyes became brown again.

Faith frowned. "I don't think you'll have to worry about that much anymore."

"Yeah, I guess I won't," Xander mused with a trace of sarcasm to his voice. He started to speak again, this time in a self-mocking high-pitched tone, like a small child. "Look, mommy, I'm _special_. Special like Angel and Spike and…" He cut himself off, speaking again in his normal voice. "God, this is sickening."

Faith couldn't help herself. "Sorry, Xand." She wanted to stake _herself_ for such a pathetic, self-pitying statement. Because, she knew, it was more about her guilt than about feeling bad for him. That was why people like her apologized.

"No offense, Faith, but save it," Xander said with a grimace. "Apologies don't sound right coming out of your mouth."

"That's why I don't usually give 'em," Faith answered, more flippant than she felt.

"How long until Buffy gets back with the key?"

Faith shrugged. "She doesn't let us in on her plans-" They both fell silent as they heard footsteps coming down the steps.

Xander scrunched up his face. "Spike, welcome to the Pity Club. Kind of like Fight Club, except without the coolness."

Spike didn't seem as hesitant as Faith had been, but both the Slayer and the newly bitten vampire knew better than his act. It was a front; Faith realized that Xander could probably hear most of what happened in the house from down here, including when Faith and Spike had been talking about the current situation, when Spike had vented his guilt to her. "Not my type of gathering then, is it?"

"It isn't?" Xander remarked. Spike shook his head no, and Xander shrugged, or at least, he shrugged as much as he could chained to the wall. "Well, welcome anyway. My name is Xander Harris, and I'm a pathetic vampire." He glanced at Faith. "Your turn."

_What the hell,_ Faith decided. _If he's willing to play this stupid game, that means he's probably not an evil demon. No new vamp's that clever or patient._ "Hi, my name's Faith, my last name's none of your business, and I'm a pathetic substitute Slayer." And admitting that hadn't been her plan, and the words tasted bitter on her tongue, but it wasn't like she had much to hide from these two.

Spike sat himself down on the floor, and lit a cigarette. "Name's Spike, and I'm not pathetic."

"You're no fun, is what you are," Xander retorted. "I'm chained up to a fucking wall. The least you can do is _humor_ me, Spike." Xander was lonely down here, Faith realized. She suddenly wondered how long he'd been awake today, being quiet and confused, maybe hoping someone would come downstairs and check up on him. If he was hurt no one did—and again it was a show of their selfishness, because the reason they didn't come to see him at all today was that no one _wanted_ to see or know. Didn't want to speed up the timeline so they'd have to stake him.

Spike didn't seem to be in the mood to play. "You hungry?"

_That was a mood killer if I'd ever heard one_, Faith thought irritatedly.

Xander just glared at Spike without any amusement in his eyes. Which were amber again now. "Yeah, I am. Starving, actually. Thank you for reminding me, asshole."

Spike shrugged. "You seem pretty damn conversational for a fledge, that's all."

"I've been awake for about a day and a half now. I think I've spent most of my time down here repressing and being disgusted at myself." Well, that answered Faith's question. However, that meant that he _hadn't_ wanted anyone to know he was awake. That he'd faked sleep a couple of times that they'd come downstairs. "Though Buff's cross was a bit much, and made repressing kind of hard. In fact, could you tell her that next time, she doesn't need to _check_ to see if I'm a vamp. I'd prefer being staked to that."

Faith stopped dead, sitting straight up. Buffy wouldn't be that _dense_, would she? Not only was that _cruel_, that was dangerous for her. Xander could have bit her, if he had been a demon. "She put a cross to you?"

"Yup," Xander made a face again. "Told Giles that she had to _know_, you know, really know if I was a vampire. I assumed that she'd just hold up a mirror to me. Apparently, that wasn't good enough for her." There was a slight edge to the end of his statement, a snarl at the end of the last word.

Spike raised his eyebrow. "You were able to control yourself then, mate? Soul or no soul, survival instincts usually get in the way then."

"My survival instincts told me it wasn't clever to bite a Slayer."

"Probably has to do with the uber-vamp changing him," Faith interjected. "Made him…sturdier, you know? That and the soul together made him able to control himself."

Spike seemed to absorb this information and nodded to himself. "Fortunate thing, that."

"I hope you're not doubting my loyalty," Xander commented. "Because your word seems to be the only one Buffy hears nowadays. One word from you and it's all ashes to ashes and all that shit." His tone was a mix of fear and anger. Faith didn't blame him at all.

Spike shook his head. "Don't worry about me, Harris. You're safe from me."

"Unless I get dangerous." That wasn't a question, Faith noted. That was an order from Xander. He didn't want to hurt any of them. Faith's respect for Xander grew leaps and bounds at that moment. While she would have hated to be a vampire, Faith couldn't guarantee that she would have been able to ask Spike to kill her, even in this souled form.

"Of course," Spike assured him. "Not letting you get to the little bint." Xander nodded with some satisfaction. Then Spike turned to Faith. "I don't care about saying this in front of him, cause trying to whisper it would be bloody useless, but we need to get him a pretty nice supply of blood."

"We've got your bags—" Faith started.

Spike cut her off. "Not enough. I don't care how he's acting, he's bloody famished. Even his self-control's going to run out at some point, and when you first wake back up, you need more blood."

"I'll stop at the butcher's then, until we can raid the blood bank again."

"No, I'll raid it tonight. That pig shit isn't going to be any good for him. Like using a bandaid to fix a broken bone, it is." Spike sighed, rubbing his temple. "I need to do it now. I'll have it done before Buffy gets back. You're not going to want to be down here _while_ he's eating. Too tempting."

"And if any of the others are here," Faith said, "They'll want to get close, to check and make sure he's soulled up. Especially B." Faith thought for a moment. "Willow'll understand, though."

"I don't think I'm up to seeing her yet anyway," Xander said, and it wasn't without a small tinge of repugnance. He was mad at her about the spell, and not without reason. He'd get over it though, Faith figured, if they just gave him space and time.

Of course, getting Buffy to give him either was going to be an adventure in and of itself, but Faith would worry about that afterwards.

"Okay, Spike, then why are you still sitting here?"

* * *

Luck was not on Spike's side. He was coming back from the blood bank when he crossed paths with Buffy, Dawn, and Giles. He couldn't really avoid them, when he was heading in the same direction as them. He knew other routes to the Summer's house, but it would take him longer to get there. Taking another way didn't make any sense if they'd get there before him.

Anyway, Dawn had already seen him, and rushed up, speaking in a rush. "Spike, what are you doing? I thought you said you were going to stay home with Willow and Faith to watch Xander? Is he awake? What's in the bag…" She put the pieces together. "…oh. He's awake? Is he okay?"

Spike put a hand up to get her to stop speaking for a moment. He considered telling her that no, he wasn't awake, and that Spike was just preparing for when he did wake up. However, that was pointless. Buffy was getting good at telling when he was lying. "Yeah, Dawn, he is."

"How- um, how is he?" Giles asked.

"As well as can be expected. He's sitting with Faith; at least Faith was sitting with him when I left. Talking." Spike could already see that was a question that was going to get on his nerves. His nerves and Xander's nerves, which, with Xander's fledgling status, was probably more dangerous.

Xander was a surprisingly good actor, Spike had noticed. He was barely hanging on control wise. Spike could see it in his eyes, and not only because of the fact that they kept changing colors when he got angry. Xander had difficulty staring away from Faith's neck during the entire conversation. Spike knew that the cross that Buffy had pressed against him had a lot to do with his slipping control, but Xander would never say anything to any of them. Well, maybe Spike could get him to talk about it, but not in front of anyone else.

Buffy looked hopeful, and Spike didn't sense any guilt at burning her best friend. "So he's talking? He's…Xander?"

"Yeah, he's all souled up," Spike said. "But he's still a new vamp, and I've got to get back home and get him some blood." He held up the large bag, which held several packets of blood.

Buffy nodded in understanding. "I'll help you-"

"He doesn't want to see anyone else yet," Spike said, and he resisted adding _especially you and Red_. Buffy would take it the wrong way. "He's not ready to see you. Though he'd appreciate being unchained."

Buffy looked hesitant, and more than a little hurt by Spike's message. "Why not?"

"Because he doesn't want to hurt you," Spike explained with a sigh. _Or, technically, _Spike thought sarcastically, _the problem is that he _does_ want to hurt you and that scares him._ "When he's…eating, Faith's not gonna be down there either." Just so that she didn't feel jealous about the situation.

Although, when Spike thought about it, the truth that Faith was less obnoxious to have around at the moment. Just like, even though Xander hated Angel, the pouf would probably be more welcomed now. Faith, Spike, and Angel, all of them had something in common with Xander now.

When patrolling once, Xander had coined a term for them, minus himself of course. 'Grey Area Heroes'. It made sense, of course; No one was ever suspicious about what side of the fight Buffy was on. Or Willow even, when she was psycho with grief or something like that. Even in her darker moments, Xander had explained, she'd said that she was destroying the world to stop people from feeling pain. With Spike and Angel, people were constantly doubting whether it was their soul or their demon in charge, or if it was Faith, if she was going to panic and switch sides again. Willow could redeem herself and be treated as redeemed with other people; it wasn't the case, necessarily, for everyone else. Hence, they were the 'grey area'. Now Xander was in that category as well. No matter what happened, Buffy and Giles and Dawn would forever be worried that he'd lose control.

Giles nodded in understanding, and smiled sadly. "At least that fear is a sign that it _is_ our Xander."

"Yeah, well, he's still making the bad jokes at the wrong times," Spike muttered to himself.

"Bad jokes are _good_, though, right?" Dawn asked timidly.

Spike didn't want to get her hopes up. "I think so, nibblet. Can't be sure though. Have to wait and see." By the look on Dawn's face, even that was more hope than Spike wanted to give her. Last thing that Spike wanted to do was make Dawn too comfortable around a fledgling, even if this fledgling had a soul.

"We'll be able to see once you get him some blood," Buffy said, as if it was that simple.

"He's gonna be hungry for awhile. It's like a puppy, hungry all the bloody time," Spike said. It was the worst analogy in the world, far too innocent sounding, but Spike couldn't think of another thing to say. "At least for a little while."

Dawn nodded in understanding. "As long as he's okay."

Spike threw a look at Buffy and Giles silently. Giles seemed to understand more than Buffy did. Giles pushed his glasses up on his face and coughed. "Yes, well…we should make it back. Making him wait isn't going to make this any easier for him."

* * *

Faith saw Xander's head shoot up far before she realized that Spike was back. For a moment, Xander vamped out, and no matter how long Faith might have sat there, she wasn't prepared for it. Then Xander went human-looking again, and Faith exhaled. Xander, however, cursed. "Buffy's back."

She never would have thought she'd hear such disappointment in Xander's voice when saying those words. She turned as Spike walked downstairs, and she noticed Xander quietly watching the bag that Spike was carrying. She shivered; it was an unnerving look to see on Xander's face.

Spike put the bag on the ground, nearby his chair. He sat down for a moment, watching Xander. Faith wondered if he thought that he was being amusing. Xander was the one to voice the opinion. "So, what is this, fuck with Xander day?"

"What do you mean?" Spike asked casually.

"Fuck you," Xander spat. "Do you think I _want_ to do this? Because if you do, you're terribly mistaken. I _hate_ this shit, and I hate the fact that I can fucking _smell_ the contents of the bag, even if you're upstairs. Do me a favor, and let's get this shit over with, alright?"

Spike nodded. "Whatever you want, Harris." Spike glanced over at Faith. "You mind? The others'll get pissed if you're down here."

Faith shrugged. "Whatever." She glanced over at Xander. "I'll see about getting those chains off of you."

"Good luck," Xander snorted mirthlessly. "Unless I've got Buffy as a constant guard dog, I don't think it's going to happen."

Faith wished he didn't seem so resigned to being chained up in the basement, but there wasn't anything that she could do about it. She couldn't even begin to imagine what was happening to Xander, and she couldn't tell him how to feel about it. As she walked upstairs, she tried to figure out how she would be acting in his situation. Whether or not she'd be surprised when she was chained in the basement. Then again, she mused, unless Xander spoke up, she was sure that she would have been immediately staked. She didn't have the circle of friends that Xander had.

She was back in the kitchen now, where she saw that Giles was preparing some tea. She eased herself up on a stool, folding her hands on the counter top. She watched the ex-Watcher quietly. She knew that Buffy often went to Giles—or used to go to Giles, rather—whenever she needed advice. Faith hadn't had someone like that in a long time, and she wasn't really sure how to go about talking to a father-figure. If she even had the right to talk to him as if he was her Watcher.

Fortunately, Giles spoke first, without turning to face her. "Is there something you need, Faith?"

He didn't _sound_ as if he hated her guts, so it seemed safe to talk to him. "Shit's gonna hit the fan, Jeeves."

"You and Xander have the same unfortunate habit of creating irritating nicknames for people," Giles noted, looking at her from over his shoulder. Faith shrugged, not too concerned with what she called Giles at the moment. Giles sighed and continued, removing his glasses. "What 'shit' are you specifically referring to?"

Hearing Giles curse didn't sound natural, Faith noted. "With Xand, Red, and B. He's gonna be pissed, they're gonna either smother him or run, and if _anything_ happens, B's gonna say it's a demon, not him."

"Yes, I did consider that," Giles nodded, more to himself than to Faith. He looked at her somberly. "I never thought I would find myself saying this, but Faith, I do believe he's going to need you. And Spike. I fear that the other girls won't be able to understand. They might even…they will fear him, to some extent." He sighed loudly. He removed his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose like he did when he was worrying about the latest plan that they were thinking of putting into action.

Faith sighed loudly, frustrated at the fact that she couldn't do anything physically to help. She remembered back when things were simple for her, and all her problems could be solved by a fight or getting laid. Neither of those would help Xander out, at least she didn't think it would. She heard the sound of the chains downstairs being jerked hard, but she refused to allow herself to react to it. If she did that, she'd be allowing herself to fall into the fear that was creeping up on her at the moment. If what Giles was saying was true- which she feared it might be- Xander could very possibly end up relying on her for…

For what, exactly? If she was being picked to be his therapist, or some sort of support, she didn't think he was getting a good deal. She was well aware of her track record; how could anyone depend on her for their sanity when she was barely out of the halfway house herself. She wanted, no, she needed Angel to be there to help her like he had in Los Angeles. Faith wasn't a fool, and knew that he was neck deep in shit that made it so she couldn't ask for his advice. Faith wasn't ready to be the Angel or Giles figure for anyone, and she knew that Spike wasn't either. Giles was putting too much on their shoulders.

"I know what you're thinking," Giles said after a long pause. "And, a few months ago, I would have agreed with you. But now, I do believe that this is the right job for you, and I think you're capable of more than you're aware of." He looked away from Faith for a moment. "I think that was always a part of the problem, Faith. You're capable of more than you know."

Even though Giles was no longer looking at her, Faith cursed herself for the blush that was rushing to her face. "I've…I've gotta take a piss." _That's it girl,_ she told herself chidingly, _Sound like a twelve year old asshole. It always makes you feel better._

"Yes, well…next time, please just excuse yourself. There's no need for me to know the details." It was a half-hearted joke, accompanied by a look that said Giles knew that it was an excuse to leave the room and nothing more.

Faith winked at him. "Thought all you guys liked knowing what's going on down there."

She didn't stay to watch Giles' stumbling response.

* * *

Spike closed the door to the basement and nearly ran straight into Buffy. It was clear that she had been planning on going down there herself. Spike knew enough about Xander's current situation to know that wasn't a good idea. "Where're you going, pet?" He tried to keep his tone casual, conversational, as if he didn't know what her plan was. If he was in her shoes, he'd want to know what was going on down there too.

Then he thought of the cross that she'd shoved in Xander's face and part of his heart broke. Not for Xander, because to be perfectly honest, his opinion of Xander one way or another didn't go as deep as all of that. It broke because, well, if she was going to do that to Xander, someone who meant so much to her, there was really no hope for him. Spike was a selfish creature, soul or no soul, and he couldn't help but think about what this meant for him. Still, Xander's words ran through his head: _I hope you're not doubting my loyalty, because your word seems to be the only one Buffy hears nowadays._ He wondered how much of that was true, and how much of that was Xander's own bitterness.

Buffy blinked at him. "What do you mean, where am I going?"

Spike tilted his head, almost amused. "Thought we talked about this Slayer. He's not ready to see you." Spike wasn't surprised that the Summers' girls chose not to hear that part- as much as he loved Buffy, Joyce was really the only one of them without selective hearing.

"He's already eaten, and I just want to make sure that -"

"-It's him?" Spike interjected knowingly. "It is. You don't believe me?" He wasn't about to ask if she believed him _and_ Faith; the answer to that one was clear.

Buffy shook her head. "It's not that. _I_ need to know for myself."

"And how exactly are you gonna do that, slayer?" It seemed that Xander's bitterness about the situation was rubbing off on more than just Faith. He shook his head and started to close the basement door behind him. Buffy didn't seem to realize that Xander could hear them from here.

Buffy grabbed his wrist before he removed it from the door. "What's that supposed to mean?" She glared at him, gripping him as if he had done something wrong by speaking.

Spike glared right back, and wondered why he was even bothering. He'd gotten Xander blood already, and this little conflict wasn't about saving Buffy's life- the Slayer could handle herself just fine, even against a vampire that was a close friend-, nor was it about saving Xander's life. Maybe, Spike thought, he just wanted to test Xander's theory. See if he could actually get Buffy to back down. "The cross incident?" Buffy stared back at him, her expression telling him that, while she was surprised that he knew about it, she wasn't feeling guilty about it. "You know he could have bit you right then, and you wouldn't have even been ready for it."

"I was- I had a stake ready," Buffy protested.

"His attacking you then wouldn't have been about whether or not he had a soul," Spike snapped back, his frustration getting the best of him. Frustration, and a little bit of guilt, since Xander wouldn't have been in the basement if Spike hadn't been so slow. "It would have been bloody instinct, and you would have been staking droopy down there." Buffy paled, and Spike couldn't help but feel she deserved the shock back to reality. "And I'm saying that seeing you, Dawn, Will, or even the Watcher, would be too much for him right now. He's gonna be pissed about the cross, about Will's spell, and I can't say that, soul or not, he's gonna be able to control himself. Now, you want to risk that, you go ahead, but don't say I didn't bloody well warn you." Spike pulled away from her, and wished that he was piss drunk and away from the Summers' home.

Buffy shook her head stubbornly. "I need to see him."

"And you will, just not now," Spike insisted. "Now's not the time to go down there to make you feel better. Appeasing your sense of guilt's only gonna get one of you dead, and we don't know what kind of strength he's gonna have, or speed. You gotta remember, he's a fledge, but he was still bit by a bleedin' prehistoric vampire. You can't predict how this is gonna work out. Rather be safe than sorry, myself."

Buffy swallowed, still pale, looking towards the door of the basement. "Still need to know," she said numbly.

"Yeah, well, treating him like a bleedin' animal isn't gonna make him more act more reasonably with you," Spike commented. "Last thing we want to do, especially until he gets more acquainted with what he's capable of, is make him hate us." Not that Spike was scared; Spike could handle himself fine, without getting tripped up emotionally like the girls or Giles would.

"Hate?" Buffy spat the word in disbelief, like it wasn't a possibility. "He couldn't hate us."

"You ever have a friend burn you on purpose?" Spike asked simply, "Or chain you up in their basement?" Buffy took a step back, and Spike took a step forward. Maybe he could scare her into not going downstairs. Not scaring her into thinking that Xander would hurt her, but that he wouldn't ever want to see her again. "Or have a friend be so selfish that, when you're trying to keep yourself from killing them, they still can't get it, and try to force them to see you?" He turned towards the door for a moment. "Or have them forget that you can hear every word that's being said?"

Spike was prepared for almost anything, especially for Buffy to smack him. He wasn't prepared for her to start crying, to really start bawling, muttering things incoherently about Xander and how she was feeling. Spike held her, wishing that they were at least upstairs, where Xander couldn't make out the words of the conversation. He didn't want to deal with this, and he sure as hell didn't want to have anyone crying on his shoulder.

Even if it was Buffy, and even if he knew that he was the only one that she'd let hold her like this anymore.

* * *

With an aggravated groan, Xander yanked at his chains again. It had been bad enough to have to be shackled in the basement in the first place, but having to be fed by Spike was about all the humiliation that he was ready to take today. He wasn't nearly as hungry as he had been before, and he was sure that he could be trusted to walk around freely at this point, regardless what any one else might think. Any one else, of course, meant Spike, mostly, but that was a technicality that Xander was willing to live with- or, he thought dryly, un-live with. _Whatever_, he thought with a frustrated snarl.

The whole 'snarling' thing was something he was going to have to get used to. He'd have to ask how Spike dealt with it.

The worst part of this, at the moment, anyway, since his appetite was under control, was the fact that he felt wrong in his own skin. He felt like he didn't belong anymore, and the body belonged to…well, he wasn't sure who it belonged to, but it sure as hell wasn't his. With a shiver, he tried to place exactly what it was that felt odd. It was something in his muscles, the tension whenever he heard (and smelt) Buffy or Faith passed by. It was in the dreams that he had when he drifted off, the half-fantasy, half-nightmare of getting his hands on Willow or Buffy.

He'd had the dream at least three times since he'd been down there. In each one he confronted either of them, having an argument about…about how he felt invisible, felt taken advantage of. After Faith told him what Willow did, and after he heard Buffy upstairs, he had confronted them about that too. The hunger that he felt when he was awake worsened as their voices rose. The fight would become heated, and he was sure that, while Buffy always hit first, he attacked Willow. After that, he remembered blood and finally feeling _sated_. He was comfortable in his own body, for one quick moment, and then he would wake up back in the basement.

Xander wasn't exactly proud of the way the dream made him feel, and prayed to God- who probably wasn't listening to him anyway- that he wasn't going to prove Spike's fears were warranted.

He heard footsteps- Willow's. Apparently, she'd missed Spike's little lecture. He gave up on his chains for the moment, sitting back with a long and tired sigh.

Willow was making her way, hesitantly, down the steps, and she stopped at the bottom, as if she wasn't sure whether or not she wanted to be down here, or whether _she_ was wanted down here. Her eyes were puffy; she'd been crying again. He'd heard a lot of crying today, and he wasn't sure that he was ready to deal with anymore. This whole emotional thing was making Xander exhausted.

He chose to speak first, to get it over with. "Hey Will, lurking over there isn't going to make you feel any better. Hell, it's not going to make _me_ feel any better." He knew what she was thinking, and answered her silent question. "No, I'm not going to snack on you if you get close." Even if that was what he wanted to do, the chains weren't about to let up on him, and he'd end up hurting himself more than anything else.

"I don't know if…" Willow tried to find the right words to express what she was feeling. "…If I can."

_Great_, Xander thought bitterly. Buffy's so selfish that she desperately wants to see him at the most inopportune moments, and Willow's being selfish where she can't deal with being near him. He wasn't sure which one annoyed him more. After a short internal debate, he decided that Willow's way was worse.

"Okay," Xander said. He paused for a minute before adding, some what bitter sounding, "Then why are you here, Wills?"

Willow winced, and Xander felt guilty. He hadn't meant to hurt her feelings, he was just really sick of being down here and feeling the way that he was feeling. He was tense, and he wanted to skip to the upcoming conflict that he knew was going to happen. "I'm sorry, Xander, this is just all really hard, and I'm so sorry I did this to you."

Xander knew that she really wasn't sorry the way she was saying it. She was glad that he was still there, and that she didn't have to watch him get staked. She felt bad because _he_ wasn't as happy about it as she was. She knew that he would have much rather have been dead than where he was. "It's okay." That was a lie too, and Xander knew that Willow could tell. It was what he was supposed to say though.

"Are you…are you alright?" Willow asked uncertainly.

_Do I look it?_ "Been better…you think that I'll be allowed to walk around soon?"

Willow nodded, a bit too enthusiastically. "Oh, sure, of course! I mean, you've been pretty much you, so Buffy can't keep you chained up much longer."

"That's good…" Xander was already out of things to say, and Willow's heart was beating fast. Xander swallowed nervously, trying to block the sound of his ears. "Maybe you could ask her about it." _Now,_ Xander willed her to hear.

Willow nodded, swallowing a lump in her own throat. "That's a…that's a good idea. I'll go and talk to her." She forced a smile, and Xander resisted inhaling the scent of her fear as much as he could. It shouldn't have been a good smell to him. He was starting to appreciate Angel more than he ever wanted to. "I'll see you later, okay?"

Xander didn't answer with anything more than a quickly waning smile.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: Fine Again**

_She's walking down the hallway, and she already knows that this is one of _those_ dreams, those Slayer-powered bizarre dreams that mean more than they should._

_It's the Summers' house, and everyone's asleep. Correction: every one of the Potentials are asleep, and the original gang, the group that Faith had always wanted to be apart of, they weren't anywhere to be found. She knew, she looked all through the house. The house seemed bigger, the hallways much longer. She couldn't even find Buffy or Spike, and she didn't even really want to see them. She realized she was lost, lost in Buffy's house, and she couldn't believe how weak she felt, how lonely._

_She found herself downstairs, at the doorway, and she knew that if she kept looking inside, she wouldn't get anywhere. If she wasn't there, though, none of the Potentials would be safe. Each girl in there would be open to something very bad. Faith just wished she knew where it was coming from- it was as if it was on the tip of her tongue, teetering on the edge, and she seemed to miss it each time that it was close to tumbling out. The window, the front door, the backyard, the bedrooms…_

_She tried the door and found that it was stuck, stuck to the point where she couldn't make it budge, stuck to the point where she pulled out the knob. She stared at it, and as she released it, the door knob tumbling to the floor with a large clattering jolt. The sound echoed throughout the entire house. She cursed it loudly, and then paused to make sure none of the girls woke up. There was nothing, and she let out a relieved sigh. If they might die, she figured, it might as well be in their sleep. When she goes, she wants to go in her sleep._

_She wondered if anyone would be surprised by that fact._

"_Need some help?" She twirled around, jumping. Xander stood behind her, clad in an outfit that looked as if she and Spike might have picked out for him. It looked good, but the tension that he was trying to hide leaked through like something cold, something very old. "Kinda strong now, might be some help." She shrugged, moving out of the way of the door. He pushed against it a couple of times, and soon, it opened under his weight. He smiled at her awkwardly, looking younger than he should in the clothes he was wearing. "See? There you go."_

"_Thanks a bunch, boy toy," she slapped in on the back gratefully. "See ya in a while, okay?" He grabbed her wrist before she walked out. It hurt more than she expected. "Ease off, Xan, 'less you're trying to break my wrist."_

_He loosened his grip, but didn't let go. "Hey, listen…" He sounded as if he was going to say something, but then he shook his head, letting go. "Spike and Robin are probably waiting for us…I'll be out in a minute."_

_She stepped out the door after he released her arm, momentarily trying to figure out what Xander had wanted to say. She turned back to ask, but the door was closed again, the knob restored, and she got the feeling that the door was locked again. It wouldn't open for her._

_Wandering out onto the lawn, she looked up to the sky, dark and starless as it was. She sighed; this wasn't getting her anywhere._

"_Where's Harris?" Spike was leaning on a tree, looking impatient. "Been waiting for the both of you." _

"_He'll be here soon," she answered, "Figure he had something else on the menu."_

_Spike narrowed his eyes. "It's not safe in there, for him or them, you know that. We don't leave him alone."_

_She held her hands up. "Sorry, Spike. You want to go back and babysit him, go ahead. Not my job."_

"_Of course it bloody is," Spike muttered bitterly, shoving past her to the door. He opened it easily, and she blinked; maybe it hadn't been locked. He looked at her over her shoulder. "See what you let happen, pet?"_

_She rushed towards the door, to Spike's side. "What?" It was clear, however, what he was referring when she got there. The house was wrecked now, as if an army had plodded through the first floor. Blood was everywhere, and a few of the Potentials laid like broken dolls on the floor._

_Her first thought was that it was Xander, but heavy breathing drew her attention. He was just as badly off as the room, with his arm and an eye gone, and blood staining his clothing. He tried to walk over to them, and stumbled on the way. Spike held him up, supporting him quietly. "Jesus Christ, Xan, what happened?"_

_Xander chuckled, sounding broken and deranged. "Would you believe me if I said it wasn't me?"_

_The missing eye was the answer to that question. "Who was it, Xander? Are they still here?" Xander nodded weakly, unnecessarily swallowing hard. "Where?" She was going to kick their ass, whoever they were._

"_Three guesses, and the hint is behind you," Xander replied, and she started turning around. "Try not to make much more of a mess, Faith. We're gonna have a hell of a time cleaning it the way it is now."_

_She would have made a comment, but Buffy's axe was making it's way towards her head._

Faith woke up, and found herself staring at the ceiling of the basement. There was an alarmed minute where she looked over at the chains on the wall, and realized that Xander wasn't there; her dream hit her with full force, and she climbed out of her sleeping bag. It took a few seconds before she remembered that Xander had been unchained the night before. He was probably just upstairs. She sighed, exhaling deeply. There wasn't anything to worry about, at least not at the moment.

Searching for her pants- she'd already slept with Xander once, so she didn't see any need to sleep in more than her panties and a t-shirt- and grabbing her bra, she got dressed. Faith walked upstairs, and, sure enough, Xander was in the kitchen, making scrambled eggs. It might have been well after sunset, but he still liked his breakfast food. He turned to her and smiled, motioning to an already made plate of food. "Hey, Faith. Figured you'd want something to eat when you got up, made you eggs and toast. Over easy, right?"

Faith nodded, licking her lips happily. "Looks delish, Xand, thanks." She glance back up. "How'd you know I was about to wake up? Couldn't have been asleep more than a few hours." Xander paused over the pan, muttering something that Faith didn't quite pick up. She sat down and asked, "What was that, Xand?"

Xander took an unnecessary deep breath. "I said, it was your breathing, and your heartbeat. Could kind of tell…" He trailed off, going back to cooking. It was clear how awkward he felt, how _guilty_ he felt. Faith couldn't help but feel bad for him, and this whole feeling bad for other people thing was starting to get on her nerves. She was a loner by nature, and the compassion of the people in Sunnydale had been rubbing off on her for a long time, and now it was starting to stick. She wanted it to make her sick, but part of the problem was that she didn't. "Hurry up and eat. I don't think I feel up to making breakfast for everyone."

She dug into the meal with a zeal that surprised her; she was hungrier than she had thought she was. "How's the unlife treating ya, huh?" She was the only one who could have said something like that to him. Out of most of the group, she was the only one with enough balls to even think a comment like that, and Spike…well, Spike might have thought it, but saying it would have blown up into a fight, and Faith wasn't quite sure who she'd lay a bet on.

Last night had been filled with Giles testing Xander's strength and senses and reflexes. It had been Buffy's idea, but Xander had agreed with it completely; maybe, just maybe, they'd learn something about the Uber-vamps by it. What they'd discovered wasn't surprising; he was stronger and faster than the average fledge. He wasn't as strong as one of the original ones, but it was enough to make the Potentials that much more scared of him.

Xander shrugged. "I guess it's not as bad as I thought it would be…"

"Except?" Faith questioned, because she knew avoidance when she heard it. She recalled her conversation with Giles, and wondered if this was a good time to play therapist. Unfortunately, her only role models for this were the therapist on the _Sopranos_, and Dr. Ruth, neither of which would be at all helpful. Especially Dr. Ruth.

"Some things are harder than others," Xander said, and it didn't take much for Faith to know what he was referring to. "You think that all this normal food I'm eating would do me some good." He finished cooking, putting his eggs on a paper plate and moving to sit with Faith. The melancholy that had been in his voice quickly faded, replaced by a pleasant, conversational tone. "So, you seem to have calmed down for the minute."

"Got to play the chaperone," she explained. "Big sister Faith, that's me." And Mama B, she thought bitterly. The errant daughter and the scolding adult, that's what it felt like.

Xander grinned at her teasingly. "It must be driving you crazy, huh?"

"You've got no idea, boy toy," Faith muttered under her breath, shaking her head. "We put on music, B's saying it's distracting the others. And it's not like we can go out and buy batteries without making a big deal about it, so my CD player's been dead a couple of days. I mean, do you know what a week without Rob Zombie and Deftones will do to a girl?" Xander laughed, but it wasn't _at_ her, exactly. Hearing him laugh, it made Faith feel just a little bit better about the situation than she had before. It wasn't much, and it faded the moment she started to think about it too deeply.

And she was really sick of thinking about things so deeply.

"Edgy?" he filled in. She nodded. "Figured you would have tried a jail break by now." He paused. "Another one."

She raised an eyebrow with a smirk. "You trying to tempt me, Xand? I don't exactly need anymore trouble than I'm already in."

"No, Faith, I'd never do that. That would be wrong." Xander paused. "I'd expect you to apply for a daypass, like all of the good inmates."

"Inmates?" she echoed, "What is this? The Summer's Family Jail?"

"Something like that."

* * *

Buffy was in the bathroom and wondering if she was going insane again.

Sitting on the floor of the bathroom- because the bathroom was the only place where she could be alone in the house- she idly played with the idea that there was another demon out there somewhere, that was given her the same type of delusions that had caused her to think she was in an institution. Maybe she was crazy, and, like the doctor had said in her delusion, she was making it more and more ridiculous in order to keep herself roped in.

Her best friend was a vampire. Not just any type of vampire, either, but something new. A human bit by an Uber-vamp. Which, really, didn't make any sense because they didn't just go and choose humans to change. It was crazy, and ridiculous, and maybe if she'd been right there, she would have been able to piece it all together. It would seem less crazy to her.

She wrapped her arms around herself and felt herself shake. The last time she'd cried about this was when Spike had held her. She didn't want to feel this weak. She couldn't feel this weak, she couldn't afford to. All the girls who were living in her house looked up to her, and she had to be strong. She had to let them know that everything was going to be okay…

Even if that was complete bullshit. Even when she knew that, fighting the First, a lot of them would probably die. She remembered when she went to the Master her first year in Sunnydale; she didn't want to die, and there was no way that she could give the type of moving speech that would give them the desire to die for the cause. Hell, as it stood, she barely wanted to be alive, and she was a terrible role model. The longest living Slayer, who had died twice, went to heaven, had lost faith in everything for a long time, had lost her way…

She choked on her tears for a moment, and took long, gasping breaths. She tried to remember back before all this happened, back when she still had time to try out for cheerleading, and try to be Homecoming Queen, and date, and go to college. It seemed liked decades, centuries ago, and she realized how old she felt. How old they all probably felt.

Sometimes it felt as if time was on a permanent fast forward in Sunnydale, and she desperately wanted help, help for the mess that was forming in her head. She needed to have something firm to stand on, something that wasn't Spike, of all people. She needed to be strong, and she needed…

What she needed, she realized, was the old Xander and Willow. Willow before magic changed everything, and Xander before he had such complicated problems to deal with. She was so used to having someone to lean on, to depend on when she needed advice, that she'd forgotten how to do this on her own. She wasn't sure if she'd ever known how.

Wiping the tears off her face with the back of her hand, she took a deep breath. She needed to get her act together. She needed to get control of herself, because that was the only way they were going to be able to deal with the First. The girls, everyone, they needed a leader right now, and she knew that she had to be that leader.

Buffy stood up and washed her face. Closing her eyes, she took a minute to try to collect herself and figure out what to do next. What would Giles suggest? She could have asked, but she wasn't sure she could really _talk_ to anyone at this point. She wasn't sure she could keep it together, as her conversation with Spike had proven.

The image of herself testing Xander's control of himself with a cross flashed in her mind, and she opened her eyes, hoping the action would banish the image from her brain. No, she couldn't ask Giles. She needed to do this on her own.

She opened the door and decided that maybe it was time to do a workout.

* * *

Xander discovered that, after being bitten, he did, on some level, prefer to be around Spike rather than anyone else. It wasn't because of his winning personality or excellent conversation, because Spike was an asshole, and still acted like one. It wasn't because Spike understood what he was going through, because of the soul thing, even though that was nice. The reason that Xander preferred Spike to any one else was very simple, and really had nothing to do with any of them.

Spike was quieter than the girls.

Like Xander had rationalized before, it wasn't about the type of person Spike was, or what type of conversation the girls had with him. The fact was, Spike was a vampire, and therefore dead: no heartbeat pounding in his head. And the non-existent heartbeat definitely didn't speed up as Xander moved past, as if he was going to attack them, nor did his breathing become forcibly controlled in order to keep from freaking out. Xander could barely deal with the Potentials, and with the emotional ups and downs of talking to Buffy, Dawn, Willow, or even Giles. With Spike, there was nothing to deal with, and Xander didn't have to watch himself so much; he could be himself without being misread. His morbidly sarcastic humor which, really, fit the situation, and shouldn't have been a surprise wasn't taken seriously. Even with all of Spike's taunting suspicions and dry comments, it was quieter.

"Taking a nap, then, mate?"

Xander opened an eye and looked up at Spike, who was leaning over him. Spike's hands were behind his back, and his head tilted curiously. "I prefer resting my eyes. 'Nap' implies I was asleep, which I wasn't. And weren't you patrolling with…someone?"

"Been planning on going with Buffy," Spike replied, not moving from his position. "She decided not to."

"Do you mind moving from my face?" Xander asked. "You've got corpse breath." Spike didn't move, and Xander let a frustrated growl slip. Spike moved then, sitting back in a chair.

Xander was starting to think that Spike wanted Xander to slip up, lose control, maybe even bring it to the point where he had to stake Xander. It wasn't just paranoia, Xander thought, but to be on the safe side… "Did that just make your evening, Jr.?" Xander might have sworn off calling Spike and Angel 'Deadboy', but Spike was still Angel Jr., regardless.

"What'd you mean, Harris?" Spike took out a cigarette and lit it, even though he knew the girls, if they'd been in the room, would have had a fit.

"You just seem to thrive on making me go vampy," Xander noted, sitting up on the couch. "I figured it was to show off for Buffy or something, prove you've got more self-control, but you do it when she's not around. So what gives?"

Spike didn't answer at first, blowing smoke Xander's way. "Maybe it's not that I like you losing control. Maybe I like that you keep it."

Something about the way Spike said that, slow and coolly, made Xander wonder. "You know, the more I think about that, the creepier and dirtier it sounds, so if you wouldn't mind elaborating…"

"You're good at it, and it bloody interests me, alright?" Spike explained. "Been around a few fledges and such in my day, and usually, the first couple of months, all they care about is feeding." Spike raised an eyebrow at Xander, and Xander felt like he was under a microscope. "You, on the other hand, seem to be adjusting just fine…"

Xander shrugged. "It's what I have to do for my friends." He sighed, leaning back. "I'm not going to go around and talk about being hungry when people'll barely come near me to begin with…" He glanced back at Spike. "And, by the way, after yesterday, I apologize for every time I gave you pig's blood."

"Told you it was bloody disgusting," Spike snorted. "_And_ weak. They don't know any better."

Xander wondered if Spike knew what a relief it was to have this conversation with him. If all the thoughts that had been running through Xander's head were freaking him out, and having someone to speak to…it was very much needed.

"But you and Red, you talking?"

Xander made a face, as he secretly wondered why Spike cared. "Define talking, because if you mean pussy-footing around each other so that neither feels too bad, yeah, we're talking. I mean, I love her, but it's hard right now, and since anything we need to talk about," the soul spell, Xander being a vampire, "is essentially taboo, it's pretty fake."

The bizarreness of talking with Spike hit him then, and he wondered if it had hit Spike. He wasn't talking to Willow, but he was talking to Spike. And Faith, sort of, but even that was fake. He admitted things to Faith, but he still avoided certain things, still didn't want to talk _too_ much.

"And you and Buffy?" Xander vamped out, and Spike snorted again. "Thought so. She know why you're avoiding her?"

Xander didn't look at Spike, but that was mainly because he wasn't very good at controlling his vamp face quite yet. Talking about Buffy, however, was bound to bring it up, as was talking about the soul-spell for too long. "She's got to." His voice sounded strange to his own ears.

"But you haven't told her."

"What the _hell_ do you expect me to do, Spike?" Xander snapped, and it was still quieter than it was with any of the girls. "I can't talk to her, because, like you said, I'm dealing with the control issue. That, and, for some reason, while they're not really scared of you, all the Potentials are scared shitless of me."

"Strange feeling, eh?" Spike's voice was almost sympathetic. It was times like this that Xander remembered that Spike had a soul underneath all that jackass. "Most of you hates it, feels bleedin' miserable. The demon in there, though, it wants it, and that makes you sick."

Spike managed to get it just right, somehow. Xander didn't like having so much in common with the platinum blonde. "Yeah, something like that."

"Doesn't get much easier, the feeling, it's just the choice becomes automatic."

"You know, I just had the thought that it could be Angel there trying to help me out instead of you. I feel much better about life now…sort of." That made Spike laugh. "Oh, come on, you know it wouldn't work."

"You hate him too much. You'dve thrown down with him by now, gotten your ass kicked," Spike replied. "Although he might hold back, for 'Buffy's sake'. I wouldn't hold back."

"Good for you," Xander said. He was still struggling to get his face back to it's human form.

A few minutes of silence, and Spike got up from the chair. He sauntered over to where Xander was, crouching down in front of him. He held Xander's face by the chin, and Xander growled at him again. Spike ignored it. "Gonna have to teach you to deal with this, won't I mate?"

Xander realized that this weirdness was an offer of assistance, and stopped pulling away. "Yeah, 'cause I may know a bit about vampires, but I'm not up to speed on being one."

"Well, then," Spike said as he released Xander's face. "You've got yourself a tutor."

As he sat there, staring at Spike in shock at the gesture of kindness, Xander felt his face shift again, and he looked human again.

Faith's voice broke through the silence from the kitchen, and she wasn't talking to them. "What they need is to get out of the house, B, all of them, not just me."

Spike turned his head. "What the bloody 'ell is Faith doing?"

"Applying for a daypass," Xander deadpanned.

"Should have just left," Spike commented, "Would have had a better chance."

"I'll let her know next time."

* * *

Willow listened from where she was standing, up on the stairs. None of them noticed her, not the Slayers in the kitchen or the vampires in the living room. She was far enough from the front door to the living room where she was pretty sure they didn't thinking that she was spying, that she just in the house.

And she hadn't meant to spy, not originally. She'd been heading to the dining room, because she was sick of staying up in her bedroom, when she heard the conversations. The shock of Buffy and Faith talking, while Xander and Spike were talking at the same time, it stopped her in her tracks. Most of the Potentials were downstairs, listening to the exchange between Faith and Buffy, and Dawn and Giles seemed to have been sleeping.

The conversation between Spike and Xander drew her attention more than the other one. Maybe it was a self-fish thing, and she couldn't help but being drawn in by the fact that she knew they were talking about her. Maybe she was used to hearing Buffy and Faith's argument, because it was the same thing Faith had been trying to tell Buffy since high school.

Hearing Xander say that he couldn't talk to her, and sounding almost comfortable talking to Spike…it took her a minute for her to digest it, and she didn't like where it left her.

Even when they'd grown apart after high school, with the complications of her starting a relationship with Tara and other things, she always thought of him as her best friend. If things got bad, that was always a guaranteed relationship there. Xander would always be there to help her out.

And maybe she was reading too much into it, but she couldn't help but feel that it wasn't right for her to depend on him, when he couldn't depend on her. When he couldn't tell her the truth, why should she think that she had the right to-

She'd known that they were avoiding certain topics. She wasn't sure what to say to him, after all, and even if she did know what to say, she wasn't sure that it would be enough. Maybe the spell, maybe what had happened was where their friendship hit a brick wall.

And the worst part of it was that it seemed like that was happening with all three of them, too- Xander, Buffy, and herself. It didn't take a genius to see the stress between Buffy and Xander, and she didn't need to listen to Xander talk about it with Spike to know that he was angry at the whole situation.

And between her and Buffy…? The wall was still up there looming with them, too, and that one was her fault too. It was the magic that blocked them from being what they used to be, it was her going crazy, it was her bringing Buffy back to life…it was everything she'd done since Oz had first left.

Willow wanted back what they'd all lost, but she didn't know how to help get it back. She wanted to be the one that Xander could turn to.

_After all,_ she thought dully, and the voice in her head sounded suspiciously like Xander in the moment, _this is your fault_.

* * *

_And somewhere underground, the First smiled._

* * *

If there was one thing that Spike wondered about more than everything else, it was whether any of the things that were happening in the Summers' house were coincidence. The events that were unfolding seemed at times too chaotic, at other times too coincidental to be chance.

Take Harris being the one that was bitten, for example. Really, the way to tear the group apart at the seams was through him. Willow, one of the Slayers, if they were made vampires, they would have been insanely powerful, a tool that could have been used against the uber-vamps and the First. That, and Xander would have tried to make life easier for them, would have helped them still feel like everything was okay. Harris, contrary to first impressions, was a very good judge of when to be seen and when not to be seen. Unlike the girls, he would know when he was needed to comfort, and when people should be alone.

Harris was the heart of the group, always had been. Without that, they were all just children, children who floundered in their own self-doubts and insecurities. Xander Harris had always taken that load for himself when it was most needed.

Spike hadn't lied to Harris when he said that the boy's control impressed him. Spike suspected that the control was stronger because of Xander's personality, that the very same things that allowed him to keep the girls together were what kept him from hurting them.

And, Spike thought cynically, were the same things that were going to drive him insane.

Spike knew insanity intimately, and the memories were at the forefront of his mind. Having attempted to tear the Scoobies apart before, he knew what it took to break them. And, as he'd already tried to warn the others, that's the buttons that they were pushing with Harris.

Fear, resentment, depression…it was thick in the house to the point where Spike was sure that Harris could choke on it. When it all fell, collapsed on their heads like the ruins of an ancient city, Spike couldn't help but wonder if it was going to be Buffy, Xander, or Willow who would crumble first.

It wasn't as if he cared about Xander personally, at least at first. The few weeks since Xander had been turned had shown Spike more about the young vampire than he'd expected. Spike's intention was to keep him under control for Buffy and Dawn's sake, nothing else. It wasn't the way that things were coming into place for him, however.

Xander's way of dealing with his essential removal from the main flow of the group- the Potentials, and helping them function- was what caught Spike's attention. It was the way that Xander's defensive humor was finally laced with anger, instead of just helplessness. Spike might have had a soul, but he was still drawn to the undercurrent of emotion. Hell, his relationship, non-existent as it was, with Buffy was built on that. Passion, some bit of hatred, and it was rare that Spike saw that in Xander.

Fueling the curiosity was that the only place Xander seemed to be comfortable anymore was with Faith and Spike. _They,_ as he pointed out, weren't scared of him losing it with them, probably because they'd lost it before and knew the real warning signs. _They_ didn't avoid reality, at least not in comparison to everyone else in the house. He could feel almost like he was human again, he said, because they didn't try to ignore that he was a vampire.

Irony, it seemed, was the only thing the house was running on nowadays.

* * *

Buffy found Xander outside the house, in one of the cemeteries, while she was patrolling. He wasn't even patrolling or anything. He was sitting on the ground, knees up, leaning on a tree. A stake was lying on his left side, and a bottle of beer on his right. Buffy wasn't sure when the last time she saw him drinking was, and wasn't sure if it worried her.

She stayed standing back for several minutes, trying to decide whether or not it was alright to walk over to him. After all, they hadn't exactly been conversing much since he'd been changed, and Spike still didn't think it was a good idea for them to have a one on one.

Scrunching up her face, Buffy hated the fact that she's been letting Spike make her choices for her. She hoped that the others hadn't noticed it, especially the Potentials. The idea of a Slayer taking her cues from a vampire…it would cause doubts, and they couldn't afford to let that happen.

Taking a deep breath, she walked over in his direction. Slowly, Xander looked over his shoulder to see who was coming. He saw her and stilled, and Buffy saw amber flash in his eyes. He was wearing a hoodie, which, until he'd been unchained, Buffy had never really seen him wear. He frequently pulled it over his head, and Buffy knew that he did it to keep people from staring at his face when he vamped out.

He did that now. "Buff, what're you doing out alone? Thought we were working on the buddy system nowadays."

"I could say the same thing to you," Buffy replied, and she sat on the top of a tombstone in front of Xander.

"That would be avoiding the original question," Xander retorted smoothly, but his voice…it was low, almost shaky, as if he was trying to hold himself in. Fake calm filled his voice, and it was something that Buffy knew very well.

Buffy shrugged. "I can handle myself." Xander snorted with what sounded like sardonic amusement as he lifted his beer to take a drink. "Do you come out here to drink often?"

"What are you talking about? This is the first time that I've been out since I got the chains off," Xander replied. "The house is loud."

"You could always ask the girls to quiet down," Buffy suggested. "I'm always telling Faith to turn down the music-"

"-not the type of noise I'm talking about," Xander interjected. "And you really don't want it to be as quiet as I'd like in there. It wouldn't be a good sign." Buffy only had an inkling of an idea about what he was talking about, and she didn't want to think about it.

Buffy swallowed and wished that it was easier to look Xander in his eyes. Maybe then he wouldn't seem like such an alien creature to her anymore, and she could confide in him like they were old friends, which they were, technically.

"It's not safe out here, Xander," Buffy told him.

"What's going to happen to me? I don't think any demons are going to come running to kill me, and if worst comes to worst, I can play like I'm one of them." There was a tinge of something in Xander's voice that Buffy was unaccustomed to, something that twisted her stomach and made her grip her stake that much tighter. He noticed it. "Don't worry, I'm not that much of a dedicated actor. You're here, I'd just leave the slaying to you and hang back."

Buffy nodded to herself, even though it occurred to her that he would be more than capable of doing some serious slaying on his own. "I appreciate that."

Xander looked down at the bottle, the hood of his sweatshirt completely blocking Buffy from seeing his face. That was a relief more than she was willing to admit, even to herself. "Fuck, Buff, if we're just going to do the awkward conversation thing, I'm going to take a walk."

As he started to stand, Buffy jumped up. "No!" She started to speak again, this time sounding less, she thought, pathetic. "I miss you, Xander, but I worry about you too."

"Really?" Xander said, and he sounded so doubtful that Buffy felt as if it was stabbing her in the heart. "Isn't it customary to ask if how I'm doing if you feel like that?"

He was standing now too, like she was, and the tension in his body made him look very still. Buffy sighed loudly, shaking her head. "Don't make it sound like it was so easy, Xander, because you can't say that you weren't avoiding me."

"Well, that was just because of your stupendous bedside manner," Xander retorted. At Buffy's look of horror, Xander nodded. "Yeah, was kind of awake when you did that. It wasn't appreciated."

"You don't know what was going through my head," Buffy argued. He was misunderstanding her, and this hadn't been what she wanted. She knew that hashing out their issues needed to happen for them to have the friendship that they used to have, but that didn't mean she wanted to go through it. "You don't know what it was like, what I was feeling…god, I'm sorry, but I had to _know_!"

The conversation with Spike rang in her head as Xander responded. "Yeah, you're sorry, but you'd do it again. That's the problem with us- we keep making the same damn mistakes over and over again." He kicked at the rocks on the ground.

"So what do you expect us to do now? Stake you and pretend like we don't know it's you? It doesn't work like that."

"That's not what I want," Xander snarled at Buffy, and she surprised herself by flinching, "What I _want_ is not to be a goddamn pariah because of something that you all decided! I don't want this whole emotional and physical torture shit because of something I had no say in."

"I didn't have a part in the spell, did I?"

She had just blamed Willow for this, she realized, covering her mouth in shock. Xander stared at her blankly, and even with the hood on, his glare was strong. Yes, Willow had a part in this, but all of them did, in some way. She couldn't believe that she'd just said what she had said. Her world was really falling apart.

"You might not have done the spell, or even known about it, but you didn't exactly stake me immediately, did you?" Xander asked, and the tone was clipped, reserved. "What happened exactly? Spike didn't stake me because he knew you wouldn't forgive him, he bring me home? What then?"

"I wasn't going to kill you!" Buffy realized that, if Willow hadn't said anything about the soul spell, she would have asked the redhead to do it anyway.

"I was already _dead_, Buff!" Xander shouted back at her. "Now I've got to deal with the fact that none of you can stand to be in the same goddamn room as me because you're feeling guilty, or freaked out, or it's not just like it's always been-" Xander cut off his tirade and took a deep breath, which Buffy supposed was some sort of calming thing, because lord knew he didn't need to do it.

Xander took a step backwards, away from Buffy. "Look, if having me in the house is too much for you, if I'm putting too much stress on you and the Potentials, and Willow, I'll head back to my old apartment. Not like I'm doing much at your house."

"You can't leave. It's not safe, not for you or for the Potentials. They might not be all friendly with you right now, but we all need you."

"_Why?_"

"Because you're you, because you care, and because, unlike almost all those girls in that house right now, you're willing to die for the greater good," Buffy responded. "Especially now, you're more of a soldier than they are right now, and you need less protecting than they do."

"I'm not your soldier, Buffy," Xander informed her. "I'm gonna be there when we kick the First's ass, finally, but I'm not going to do it because you tell me to."

There was more than Buffy wanted to tell him. She wanted to tell him how _she_ needed him, needed a rock to keep her grounded. To keep her feeling like more than just an empty shell, because whatever progress she'd made since she first came back from heaven, she still had a long way to go.

She wanted to tell him that she was no good at motivating the girls, and without him to urge them on, she wasn't sure how long the group would hold out.

All the things she had to tell him, and she didn't have a chance to say it.

He turned to her again and said, "The one next to you's about to get up. It's why I was drinking over here."

"I can handle it," Buffy said.

"I don't doubt it." Xander walked off. Buffy stood, waiting for the fledge to wake up, and wondering what she was going to do.

However, a seed of terrifying doubt started to grow in her head. It was the anger that Xander had building up, and the reliance she was starting to have on everyone else's opinion.

Maybe, maybe she needed to start relying on her self to get things done.


End file.
